Ramble for January 10

z

I love seeing the juxtaposition of these pictures... My Chloe from the womb to now... It's so amazing that we can see this kind of imagery and see the change.
I labeled this post Life Change continued... Because change is a process and it's hard. In therapy the other day my therapist loaned me a book called Mind Over Mood.. How we can train our mind to overcome our mood.. It describes how if you think something will be negative it probably will be in the long run because you are setting yourself up to physically and emotionally respond in a negative way, where as if you think it will positive it probably will because you set yourself up to respond positively. I think of so many moments where I have failed at this.. I know guilt won't help and looking to the past as a way to learn is good, but don't focus on it..

So as far as being healthier I am doing the best I can. Drinking more water everyday, trying to be active in some way.. Yesterday I put plastic up on most of the windows inside my house to save money on oil, and man was that physical work... The day before I shoveled our back driveway... It may not be straight up exercise but it got the blood pumping and I sweat so I figured it's better than nothing.

I am realistic with myself, I won't expect a change overnight.. I have been trying so long to be healthier and lose weight that I know it will take time... The good news is that most of my pre-Chloe clothes that are size 18 actually fit, that makes me happy.. It means I am making progress and that gives me hope :)

Going back to the mood thing... I felt like I was the only person who has trouble sometimes controlling their moods, but more people have that issue than I thought... My biggest fear out of all of this-that I will become like my mother and isolate myself from my kids and from life... Now fear is a very irrational thing and to me I know that is not true... But I still fear it... I don't want to end up dying alone...

But I know that with my choice to get therapy now and to work on ways to meditate and settle my mood, that I will develop skills that will help in the future.. You know when you live most of your life in negativity, stress, and unhappiness it becomes a way of coping, you almost seek it out because it is familiar... I saw that in what I was doing and the choices I was making and how I was living and I changed it... I was single and alone for 3 years before I met Demon and then after I started therapy because of an event that forced me to decide to change my role with my family or to continue as it was and possibly lose my relationship with Demon... I made a significant choice and chose the positive one... Years later I am glad that I made that choice because it has made my relationship with my family so much better.. I know what to expect with them because of how I behave... No longer is it like walking on egg shells or fearing criticism for my emotions... I am who I am and they either take it or leave it...
My job now is to stop comparing myself to every other person around me!!! I do this ALL the time and I do it like breathing and it is frustrating... It is a bash to my self esteem and I don't know why I do it... I need to tell myself literally 3 times a day or more I am good enough, I am good enough, and repeat it so that I actually believe it :)

Ramble for January 8

z

So I have to look for another part time job... I am not getting enough hours where I am right now and it kinda sucks...

Trying as usual to stay upbeat, but it's hard.. I went to school for 6 years, I got two degrees, and now I can't find a job in my field... It fills me with cynicism and distrust in my local government and state government. Where are the politicians who truly represent people like me? scraping by on nearly nothing trying to support a family...

Anyway... tomorrow is another day and I have three reasons to smile and be thankful... My family :)