Ramble for March 17

z

It has been a long time... Again... Job search is officially over-I will be a part timer at Kohl's where I will be able to work at customer service, cosmetics, or front end... Yay :)

We signed up for LIHEAP and got our first heating oil delivery... Thank goodness because we had nothing in the tank it's so hard to have to decide how much food to buy and how much oil to buy... We are still over a month behind on our mortgage, we don't know when the payment will happen... One paycheck a week and now at part time hours is hard enough...

Through it all we have remained as strong as possible we both have our moments where the pressure and stress seems to just hang on our shoulders but oh my goodness we love the kids and I think that is what keeps us strong... We hope we can still have our wedding in April of '09 but we don't know, we are more concerned about our house... The sad thing is even if we didn't have the house we would probably be homeless because we can't afford to rent a three bedroom apartment in our area...

On the positive side though I think my minor stint of stress and depression is taking a break, which I am enjoying.

How is the weight loss coming? I have lost about 5 pounds which considering my stress level is great... Unfortunately I am tired so much that I don't exercise which I think if I exercised more I would have more energy... But today I need a nap before I exercise I only got about 5 hours of sleep...

Things will get better....

I found this poem and it is exactly how I feel about my special guy :)

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta -

I joke with him all the time about why I want him to quit smoking, so I don't become the old, crazy cat lady someday... :) I just can't picture going through life with someone other than him. We have been through so much and we remain strong... We are not perfect, we stumble along the long list of things "not" to do and we go back to life as usual... We yell, we both want to be right.. Have the last word, and we are both fiercely stubborn.. But we have passion, for each other, for life, and for our family, we know that we are meant to be with each other...

I sometimes try to think of words to explain all that he has given me...
I know I would not have finished school without him... I wouldn't have Chloe without him. Kacey would not be doing as well as he is now if it weren't for him... I would not be where I am and have the life I have if it wasn't for him... I am a better person and I know I will be eternally thankful for him :)

cheers to you my man, my love, my friend and the best father to two wonderful children... I will love you always :)

Ramble for Feb 28th

z

It's been too long!! So sorry for not posting... Life got in the way and took over and lead me along for a while... Still haven't found a job but it is not for the lack of trying... Since Dec 10th I have averaged at least 5 positions a week in terms of applying and had 2 interviews... So hard to not get caught up in that negative thinking and all that goes along with it...

We have been struggling hard to keep our heads above water, 1 paycheck a week does not go far and we have to stay strong for the kids because I don't want them knowing how we struggle.. The have food, clean clothes, a roof over their heads and lots of love they don't need to know about the grown up problems...

We have been talking more about our wedding plans and I am so excited :) To us the wedding is not just about me... It's about us and our special day that represents how we feel about each other.

I will post again soon. I have to apply for a job online... fun :)

Ramble for January 16

z

This is a picture from Cadillac Mountain in Bar Harbor, Maine. A couple of summers ago Demon and I took an overnight trip to Bar Harbor with his sister and her husband and we had fun... It was beautiful. I had never been before and I really enjoyed it...

I want to do that again :) Just say hey lets go here for a day... Money however gets in the way...

Now changing topics, I just heard a news report from our local news that said that 340,000 Mainers are enrolled in MaineCare(maine's Medicaid program) well all 4 of us are. The governor is looking to make it harder to enroll and to cut the program.. We are talking about a program that is for people who can't afford health insurance or don't have the option to purchase it from their employer... The real problem in Maine is the lack of jobs for people who are qualified or certified in certain things, and the lack of jobs for people who are entry level. Outside of going to the local McDonalds and working there people like me who are specifically certified and can't find a job have no other option and it's sad. The state of affairs in Maine and across the country is frustrating... The cost of houses is at risk, oil is high, wages are low and couple that with the lack of jobs and you have people struggling to pay their bills... It's frustrating... We hear all the time from people who "know" what they are talking about, Save your money... what money do they think we can save? Literally in the past month I have applied for over 20 jobs and have been told my resume is not specific to the job, haven't gotten a call back, or been hired for temp help and now working 8 hours a week... Why can't I get paid to do what I love-take care of my kids, or teach art? Can't find an art teaching job... No teaching jobs...
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

I had an interview yesterday... The woman wanted to reschedule... I had only pumped 1 bottle of milk for the sitter, so I said look, I haven't even found childcare yet for this job, if you have other people who are more reliable and qualified interview them... She told me, oh that is too bad because I really thought you could do the job... Now I am kicking myself... But the hours weren't steady either it was like 10 hours here or 20 hours there and I really need steady pay to be able to afford childcare... There are so many people in the same situation and I keep thinking something has to give sometimes, how long can we keep going like this???


Anyway I am really happy for the most part with my life I just feel like I should move to somewhere else because Maine is becoming a hole... The older generations don't want new fangled companies moving in and ruining the rusticness of Maine but seriously there is nothing here unless you are trained in a trade, business, or medical...

Ramble for January 10

z

I love seeing the juxtaposition of these pictures... My Chloe from the womb to now... It's so amazing that we can see this kind of imagery and see the change.
I labeled this post Life Change continued... Because change is a process and it's hard. In therapy the other day my therapist loaned me a book called Mind Over Mood.. How we can train our mind to overcome our mood.. It describes how if you think something will be negative it probably will be in the long run because you are setting yourself up to physically and emotionally respond in a negative way, where as if you think it will positive it probably will because you set yourself up to respond positively. I think of so many moments where I have failed at this.. I know guilt won't help and looking to the past as a way to learn is good, but don't focus on it..

So as far as being healthier I am doing the best I can. Drinking more water everyday, trying to be active in some way.. Yesterday I put plastic up on most of the windows inside my house to save money on oil, and man was that physical work... The day before I shoveled our back driveway... It may not be straight up exercise but it got the blood pumping and I sweat so I figured it's better than nothing.

I am realistic with myself, I won't expect a change overnight.. I have been trying so long to be healthier and lose weight that I know it will take time... The good news is that most of my pre-Chloe clothes that are size 18 actually fit, that makes me happy.. It means I am making progress and that gives me hope :)

Going back to the mood thing... I felt like I was the only person who has trouble sometimes controlling their moods, but more people have that issue than I thought... My biggest fear out of all of this-that I will become like my mother and isolate myself from my kids and from life... Now fear is a very irrational thing and to me I know that is not true... But I still fear it... I don't want to end up dying alone...

But I know that with my choice to get therapy now and to work on ways to meditate and settle my mood, that I will develop skills that will help in the future.. You know when you live most of your life in negativity, stress, and unhappiness it becomes a way of coping, you almost seek it out because it is familiar... I saw that in what I was doing and the choices I was making and how I was living and I changed it... I was single and alone for 3 years before I met Demon and then after I started therapy because of an event that forced me to decide to change my role with my family or to continue as it was and possibly lose my relationship with Demon... I made a significant choice and chose the positive one... Years later I am glad that I made that choice because it has made my relationship with my family so much better.. I know what to expect with them because of how I behave... No longer is it like walking on egg shells or fearing criticism for my emotions... I am who I am and they either take it or leave it...
My job now is to stop comparing myself to every other person around me!!! I do this ALL the time and I do it like breathing and it is frustrating... It is a bash to my self esteem and I don't know why I do it... I need to tell myself literally 3 times a day or more I am good enough, I am good enough, and repeat it so that I actually believe it :)

Ramble for January 8

z

So I have to look for another part time job... I am not getting enough hours where I am right now and it kinda sucks...

Trying as usual to stay upbeat, but it's hard.. I went to school for 6 years, I got two degrees, and now I can't find a job in my field... It fills me with cynicism and distrust in my local government and state government. Where are the politicians who truly represent people like me? scraping by on nearly nothing trying to support a family...

Anyway... tomorrow is another day and I have three reasons to smile and be thankful... My family :)

Ramble for January 4

z

So everyone makes a New Year's resolution and almost everyone breaks it. I am going to use my blog to hold myself accountable to my New Year's resolution. Losing weight.. I am not just talking about an extra 10 pounds... My goal ultimately is to lose 75 pounds. I weigh now 222 pounds, the heaviest I have ever been. Before I had Chloe I was on my weight to losing weight, I was working out at least 4 days a week and lifting weights and really watching my diet. I had lost 19 pounds and like 2 inches in my waist and inches everywhere else and I felt really great. The other health problem associated with this is my cholesterol I had the luck of inheriting high cholesterol from my dad via my grandfather... Before medicine last year it was total of 326 after taking medicine and watching what I ate and exercising it went to 192... Now that I am nursing though I can't take medicine for it, but I know that diet exercise will help some. My weakness is cookies and chocolate... put the two together and I am done for... I never thought I had an eating problem... But when it comes to desserts I do... So my goal is to blog everyday about what I am eating, how I am feeling and about life in general to work on bettering myself. I know that heart disease is the number one killer of women and I don't want to be in a casket at age 50...


So to update, today I worked out using my Walk Away The Pounds DVD and I will do some crunches... It is a fabulous DVD because there is no excuse not to use it... You walk in your house it is EASY.. I am also using a weight watchers guide to count my points.

I am glad I added the picture of my kids in my previous post because I know why I am doing this... Not just for me but for them.. I want to be able to run around and play with them, as it is running is not okay for me...

That is a recent photo of me... Now I don't think I am unattractive... That is not what this is about, I think I am pretty... But I feel like I am a small person with a fat suit on and I don't like that feeling... I want to be healthy!

Ramble for December 28

z

It has been forever since I posted over a month... It was not intentional! Life kinda happened and got in the way. I got a job at Borders so I have been working a lot. Christmas happened and it was fun :) Being broke got in the way too and getting bummed out but still trying to make life good for the kids. Now I have pink eye and a sinus infection :P I hate being sick yet I get sick all the time. I work tonight until 11pm.... Fun times... I do love Borders though, it is one of my favorite stores because I am a bookworm :) I love reading it is a way for me to use my imagination besides just creating. I get to read other's creations. My favorite books out of the thousands I have read (literally, I am not joking) Stephen King's Gunslinger series, Brian Jacques' Redwall series, Harry Potter series, and many others. I have been reading since I was very young and I haven't stopped since. Reading was a way for me to cope with my horrible life as a child, I could lose myself in a world where people fought evil and were good, where there were princesses and where there was love.
This picture is from when Chloe my daughter was just 9 days old and that is my son Kacey who is seven. They make my heart ache :) They represent everything that I wanted always to change about my family and I know I am changing it by raising them the way that I am, with honesty, respect, and lots of love. I never deny them a hug or a kiss :)
Something else that happened in that time... I found my sister and brother whom I haven't seen in over ten years, since they were 6 and 4. They are now 17, and 15. It was awesome!!! They are amazing kids and I am so proud of how they have grown up. We all have the same mother but different fathers... My mother was not a very good mother, she had and has unresolved mental illness issues and that caused her to be emotionally neglectful as a a mother. I was never told by her that she loved me, she never played with me or hugged me or kissed me. She pretty much made sure I was physically taken care of. So needless to say we all have turned out well despite having been raised by her for some part of our lives.
The last time I saw her was about 4 or 5 years ago, right before I met Demon. It was Christmas and I was going to see her... As usual it was awkward as hell, I literally felt like I was talking to an acquaintance, someone whom I knew but not very well. She was very upset because Kacey who was 2 or 3 at the time didn't come up to her, well he didn't know her so obviously he wouldn't. She turned around and walked away from us and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I decided after that I was cutting her out of my life because it was a lost cause. The little girl part of me wants so bad to be able to say, "Oh, my mom! I LOVE her, she is awesome, like my best friend!" But that is not reality... It sucks, but I have always had positive people in my life to help not feel that. But like I told Demon, I will grieve not having a relationship with my mother for the rest of my life. Therapy has helped so much.
The other picture is of my grandmother and my sister and I, we (my sister and I) were raised by my Dad and his parents primarily occasionally we saw my mom. My other brother and sister were raised by her primarily until she lost custody to the state 10 years ago. My grandmother pictured above was for all intensive purposes, my mother. She was the one who told me she loved me, gave me hugs, and taught what it means to love someone unconditionally. She also taught me to cook and told me I could be anything I wanted to be. She was amazing :) She passed away when I was 14, right around the time my mother returned into my life...
How I haven't been on Oprah... I have no idea. But anyway... more about my life later on.. What a post :)
So... that is my LONG winded ramble for the week :)