Ramble for December 28

z

It has been forever since I posted over a month... It was not intentional! Life kinda happened and got in the way. I got a job at Borders so I have been working a lot. Christmas happened and it was fun :) Being broke got in the way too and getting bummed out but still trying to make life good for the kids. Now I have pink eye and a sinus infection :P I hate being sick yet I get sick all the time. I work tonight until 11pm.... Fun times... I do love Borders though, it is one of my favorite stores because I am a bookworm :) I love reading it is a way for me to use my imagination besides just creating. I get to read other's creations. My favorite books out of the thousands I have read (literally, I am not joking) Stephen King's Gunslinger series, Brian Jacques' Redwall series, Harry Potter series, and many others. I have been reading since I was very young and I haven't stopped since. Reading was a way for me to cope with my horrible life as a child, I could lose myself in a world where people fought evil and were good, where there were princesses and where there was love.
This picture is from when Chloe my daughter was just 9 days old and that is my son Kacey who is seven. They make my heart ache :) They represent everything that I wanted always to change about my family and I know I am changing it by raising them the way that I am, with honesty, respect, and lots of love. I never deny them a hug or a kiss :)
Something else that happened in that time... I found my sister and brother whom I haven't seen in over ten years, since they were 6 and 4. They are now 17, and 15. It was awesome!!! They are amazing kids and I am so proud of how they have grown up. We all have the same mother but different fathers... My mother was not a very good mother, she had and has unresolved mental illness issues and that caused her to be emotionally neglectful as a a mother. I was never told by her that she loved me, she never played with me or hugged me or kissed me. She pretty much made sure I was physically taken care of. So needless to say we all have turned out well despite having been raised by her for some part of our lives.
The last time I saw her was about 4 or 5 years ago, right before I met Demon. It was Christmas and I was going to see her... As usual it was awkward as hell, I literally felt like I was talking to an acquaintance, someone whom I knew but not very well. She was very upset because Kacey who was 2 or 3 at the time didn't come up to her, well he didn't know her so obviously he wouldn't. She turned around and walked away from us and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. I decided after that I was cutting her out of my life because it was a lost cause. The little girl part of me wants so bad to be able to say, "Oh, my mom! I LOVE her, she is awesome, like my best friend!" But that is not reality... It sucks, but I have always had positive people in my life to help not feel that. But like I told Demon, I will grieve not having a relationship with my mother for the rest of my life. Therapy has helped so much.
The other picture is of my grandmother and my sister and I, we (my sister and I) were raised by my Dad and his parents primarily occasionally we saw my mom. My other brother and sister were raised by her primarily until she lost custody to the state 10 years ago. My grandmother pictured above was for all intensive purposes, my mother. She was the one who told me she loved me, gave me hugs, and taught what it means to love someone unconditionally. She also taught me to cook and told me I could be anything I wanted to be. She was amazing :) She passed away when I was 14, right around the time my mother returned into my life...
How I haven't been on Oprah... I have no idea. But anyway... more about my life later on.. What a post :)
So... that is my LONG winded ramble for the week :)

Ramble for November 27, 2007

z

So my daughter Chloe is growing sooooooooooo fast. She will be three months old in about a week and I can't believe it. Time flies so fast. I don't really have a topic for my ramble today, not that I usually do. But I do know that I am not much of a morning person sometimes and today was one of those mornings where I wish I could back and start it all over again. Waking up late and tired and being groggy because I had to nurse Chloe a few times. She actually sleeps most of the night though, so I won't complain. She is a wonderful baby. I have to take more pictures soon, but my digital camera charger is not working... GRRRR
Anyway speaking of time flying I can't believe it is almost Christmas... Wow This is my cat Gizmo last Christmas who pretended he weighed 2 pounds and climbed up the tree. We are getting a tree soon and I am so excited. Even though we are broke we don't have to play broke, which to me is about mentality. My dad always said that just because we had less money didn't mean that we had to act it, hopefully no one takes offense to this, because that is not how I meant it. We had no money growing up but no one knew because we didn't look or act it. I am positive for my son, we drink cocoa and listen to carols and decorate the tree and to me that is more important than what I can buy him.

Ramble for November 20, 2007

z

Today I was thinking about things that I am thankful for and also what the word beautiful is to me. I was thinking about these things because I think that Thanksgiving itself is more than just a day to engorge ourselves on food and take a nap. It is a day that we all can in a very simple, pure and beautiful way remember and talk about all the people we are thankful for and what they have done to our lives that commemorates that thanks. Whether it is remembering a loved one by cooking their favorite recipe or even just straight remembering someone who did something that meant a lot to you.
I always remember my gram during the Holidays, she was like a mom to me when I was growing up. I remember how she cooked everything and when I do it the same way or make it "new" by twisting it a little I think of how she might like it. I am thankful that I had her around in my life when I did because she taught what it means to be a good mom and to love someone unconditionally. I am thankful for this when I do things with my two kids because I think of how she was always trying to be patient and kind.
Beautiful to me does not mean the most extravagant thing. To me beautiful is simple and pure. I don't like oppulence or extravagance and I don't think it's necessary for beauty. I think when I nurse my daughter that I am doing something beautiful. I am told by my man that I look beautiful at any given time, in the morning when my hair is on end and I have sleep in my eyes or when I am dressd up and in between times too. I think beautiful can be an emotional thing too. When I see a beautiful sunrise or sunset, or the night sky on a summer night. Those are all beautiful things to me.

November 15th My first ramble :)

z

I am home with my almost three month old daughter, it's crazy and fun. She is beautiful and needs so much of me so much of the time and I love that I can be here for her. I also have a 7 year old boy who is one of the other lights of my life. The man of my life is amazing. Strong, supportive, stubborn, fun, sexy, and intelligent. When I say everyday ramblings I mean I talk about my life everyday which could be anything. Today I read another blog where someone was posting about not telling their crush that they are into them. I remember meeting my fiance almost 5 years ago and thinking wow this is the guy. We had lunch, coffee and he actually listened to me rambe and talk about what felt like nothing at all and the whole time he was looking at me and he was saying "Wow, you are beautiful." I had NEVER been treated like by any man in my life. I think about the next time I saw him and I knew then that if I didn't make a move with him and tell/show him how I felt about him then I wouldn't have the chance. I took the chance and I kissed him, I had NEVER done that ever. What a moment :) Now years later we are engaged, we have a daughter together and he has been an awesome father to my 7 year old from a previous relationship. What I learned in that moment is that you have to take risks in life and take chances because you only get to live once and do this life once and you want it to be the best.